功夫英语101

Kung Fu English 101

　　

“I know kung fu.”
　　                             ——Keanu Reeves in The Matrix

　　Imagine you go abroad to America for whatever reason; you may encounter many chats with random people. What topics do we expect an American would bring up when talking with us? Well if he's a boring fatty he would probably talk about Chinese food and occasionally fall asleep during the conversation. Or a grandma perhaps would converse with you about wealth, or shoes or the weather and everyone’s health. However, common sense would suggest that an average American would most likely want to talk to you about kung fu fighting. So if you want to describe to them legendary events like 华山论剑(Mt. Hua Sword Masters Tour) or how you can defeat the “Crazy 88” using only the tip of your messy finger nail, this 101 provides a list of words and phrases that’s going to come in handy.
  
　　Oh, and don’t forget to tell them afterwards that we Chinese are peace loving people and don’t always resolve things with violence so their lives are spared as long as they buy you Chinese take-away and introduce you to hot girls. (Caution: I’ve never been to the US nor did I ever talk to any yankee in person, so act at your own risk! I do know they have guns, eeek! Plus I learnt kung fu English by playing video games and can’t kill a chicken.)
  
　　
　　Lesson 1 Basics

　　“A chair is a brilliant weapon; sit on it to hide your aggression.”
　　                                                        --------周星驰 食神

　　(1) Punch (拳打)---- deal damage with your fist.
　　 用法: Throw a punch; punch somebody in the face, left punch, right punch
　　There are two kinds of basic punches--- jab and hook punch.
　　Jab（刺拳、直拳） is a straight punch, features high speed and moderate damage, most people learn jab at the age of 3 and master it in elementary school. Gosu(高手) use them to annoy their opponents.
　　Hook punch（勾拳） is pretty much self explanatory, aim for the chin you can deal massive damage and causes stun to your opponent. Mike Tyson can kill a bull with this move. Hook punch is upgraded to Shoryuken（升龙拳） a.k.a. Rising Dragon Fist by Ken(街霸里的红人). Learn more about Shoryuken and Ken in the Intermediate section.
　　
　　(2) Kick（脚踢） ---- simple yet deadly
　　 用法: kick someone’s butt/ass, thrust kick, sweep（扫堂腿）, scissors kick（剪刀脚）, backward flip kick….
　　Kicks are stronger but a little bit harder to execute than a punch. Some people lose balance and fall when attempting a kick (most of them footballers). There are also 2 kinds of kicks that are mastered even by 3 year olds------ thrust kick and side kick.
　　Thrust kick only becomes thrust kick when you have the power and skill to thrust your foot into your opponent’s belly (or ass when kicking from behind). It is basic raise your foot and thrust. Some crazy ladies use it on their boyfriends on bed (God I love being kicked in the balls).
　　Side kick（侧踢）---- raise your leg and swing it. More power than the thrust kick, yet it’s easier to predict and if you miss you end up unbalanced and your ass may be exposed to your opponent so strike with speed and precision.
　　
　　(3) Slap（扇巴掌） ---- you broke my heart
　　 Nothing humiliates your opponent more than a good old fashioned slap. Slap was once a sacred technique known only by gods and deities. It penetrates one’s body and reaches the soul within. It was told that Eve stole the <Stroll of Slap> hidden in the Garden of Eden and used it to abuse Adam until he finally got mad. So Adam cried to god: “God, I hate Eva. She slaps me. Make me a new wife please.” And God says: “What? I can’t hear you. You have to speak into the microphone.” And Adam says: “Oops, sorry. Is this better? Mic check 1 2.”…….blah blah blah. Anyway, to make the long story short, in the end god was persuaded so God loaded Eva’s file on his PDA and changed Eva’s body size to 0.8 of its original. (Apparently Eva and Adam was originally designed to be of the same size, makes sense huh?) The two was made even again, but slap was taught to every daughter of Eva and passed on to their daughter’s daughters and daughters’ daughters’ daughters. Today, we can still feel the ancient wrath when we get slapped and couldn’t be sadder.
　　(Oops, I just made another myth. In case you don’t know, myths are made by people like me who doesn’t have anything better to do with their life.)
　　Bitch slap/double slap, ever played a drinking game called 两只小蜜蜂？The double slap is really cool and it’s also used in hand jive. You see fighting has a lot to with dancing. Did you know that Bruce Lee was awarded “King of Chacha” in Hong Kong before he became a kung fu master? He was only a teenager by then.
　　
　　Get ready for the next battle! Rawr!!!
　　(4) Head butt（头撞） ---- In ShaoLin temple they do it the hard way
　　Strike your opponent with your head. The skull is mayhap the sturdiest part of your body. So take advantage of that seems obvious. Better still, if you are smaller than your opponent, he’s sooo dead because it’s extremely hard for big person to defend his belly. For an excellent demonstration of head butt illustrated by Zidane, watch 2006 World Cup Final.
　　
　　(5)Claw attack（爪）---- In extreme cases, it can TEAR YOU APART!
　　Well, the major part of this one should be included in the intermediate session but claw attacks are just too important to be left out here. Vastly used by natural predators of the animal kingdom, claws dominated the arms market during dinosaur age. It’s the animal version of AK47.
　　
　　(6) Finger Jab（指戳）---- poke with finger
　　Point your finger at someone is already an offence considered by many, Finger jab just takes it to the next level. Pressure point（s） are found through out a human’s body and will create numerous odd effects when pressed. Cease all movement right away for example. And making your heart explode is another one. At my level though, I only use it to pleasure my missus. Just don’t poke the eye and you’ll be fine.
　　
　　(7) Miscellaneous（其他） ---- more exotic stuff
　　Shoulder tackle（肩撞）, who says it’s exotic? I get shoulder tackles coming at me from all direction when riding a bus.
　　Rocket Launcher（火箭筒）, attack with your knee, what else do you think?
　　Stomp（踩）, my ex-girlfriend used to stomp me with her high heels when we fight. Not really that effective against a mad man enraged by jealousy, though.
　　…..that last one got me pretty sad so I’m gonna stop writing. Stay tuned for more kung fu English and there will be a cold weapon analysis too if the respond is good.


  

　　Lesson 2 Intermediate

　　“You know what a bullet feels like? It feels like a f***ing hammer. Because I’ve been hit by both.”
　　                                                      ------Ex London Underground Boss

　　Warning: You shouldn’t try any moves from here on except when defending yourself.

　　Sticks 木棍 ----- Then transformation from a chimp to a man happened when he invented the stick.

　　Wooden stick 日本木刀 ----- There existed a young man who robbed every restaurant in the whole nation with 2 wooden sticks (If my memory serves, it’s made of bamboo), his name is Miyamoto Musashi(宫本武藏). Musashi was a very typical boy with a big stupid doodoo head. He was said to never have bathed and his skin was just PU(恶心). Those features made him a big bully when he went to elementary school. At the age of 13 he defeated/killed another bully. As a scum(samurai) he walked the earth and killed many people. End of story. The wooden stick he used to deadly effect was called bokker by the Japanese.

　　Poles 棒子 ---- We Chinese are just plain better than any other race in the universe when it comes to sticks. What? Star saber you say? Well I don’t think a star saber fits into the pole category nicely, because technically a star saber is made of substances in a plasma state so it tends to “cut” things rather than doing blunt damage like a normal stick. However, even the star saber is no match for the Ruyi Pole(如意棒), a weapon beyond your wildest dreams, wielded by the mighty Monkey God himself, features telekinesis control, fast alteration in size, extremely hard yet flexible, stores nicely in your ear. Thank you Monkey God, for all the great time, and sweet memories.

　　Flails 连枷(带抓手，链子比较短的流星锤) and nunchakus (双截棍) ----  Fact: English people call nunchakus flail. I admit there’s some similarity in it. But I think they were just too ashamed that they weren’t clever enough to figure the nunchakus out to acknowledge it’s a totally different weapon than a flail. Besides there are few Chinese that understand the point (e.g. me) let alone correcting them. Anyway, I should probably focus more on the weapon itself.
　　Similarities between flails and nunchakus:
　　1. Unlike a sword or mace, it doesn&#39;t transfer vibrations from the impact to the wielder
　　2. It is difficult to block with a shield or parry with a weapon because it can curve over and round impediments such as shield or weapons and still strike the target
　　3. Contrary to popular opinion, it provides an excellent defense whilst in motion
　　4. The flail needed space to swing and could easily endanger the wielder&#39;s comrades and you can easily knock yourself out when playing with the nunchakus. Both are very hard to master.
　　Differences between flails and nunchakus:
　　1. Nunchakus is famous for it’s high speed while it takes a bit of time to get the flail up and swinging.
　　2. Flail has a better attack range then the nunchakus.
　　3. When broken, the nunchakus become two wooden sticks, but a flail wielder will be left with only one stick and a spiked ball. Personally I prefer the spiked ball because I can shove it up my victim’s ass. (I almost didn’t write that line. Lmao)
　　4. Nunchakus represent justice, only bad guys use flails.